#cw homicidal thought

[dinoserious]

im sure thats fine

[borderline-culture-is]

BPD culture is a persistent homocidal rage that just lives in your chest forever and you have to live around it because you can't actually just kill a guy cause he irritated you badly

.

[saul-goodboy]

hi this is your reminder that having homicidal thoughts does not make you an inherently bad or broken person. your intrusive thoughts don’t define you as a person. and anyone who says otherwise can go vomit blood and die :3c

[2u1c1d4l]

i need to cvt someone

can't cvt myself, can't cvt someone else

so who the fuck can i cvt?

i need to k1ll someone

can't k1ll myself, can't k1ll someone else

so who the fuck can i k1ll?

how am i expected to handle these feelings?

[sharp-silver4795]

Liu’s Letters Explained

Before Liu ended his own life, he had written 8 letters over the course of 3 weeks. To him it was a fantasy. He did not intend on biting it.

However, after Jeff burned… he realised he could no longer protect his little brother…

So, he laid the letters on his desk… once it was all set up, he looked back at one: the fourth letter he had written. It was addressed to Jeff. It wasn’t right. It was not what he wanted Jeff to know. Liu didn’t want to apologise. He just wanted to explain

So, in tears, moments before he locked the noose around his neck, he wrote down his real fourth letter.

He left the tear-stained paper on his desk, turned around, and… well, you know the rest.

[slvttyb1tch]

I have never felt so homicidal

I'm going to jump whoever tf helen is GAHHHH

[mad0katsuki]

I’m so angry that I could kill anyone or at least hurt them just because yes

[declankat]

25 SMILES CHALLENGE

can you pinpoint the moments where i actually put in some effort to make it look sane as possible?

*SANE ..it's... It's supposed to say SANE.

[xxpurehatredxx]

ughh long ass vent:

so i was talkin 2 my friend, & he was like "yea ur 1 of 6 ppl i like" & i was like "damn, 5 more ppl to want dead", & he got all pissy abt it & was lecturing & shit & was like "sum opinions are better left unvoiced", so in my head i was like damn okay ill stfu & only respond in k or alr, & then he was being all annoying & shit being all 'oH i luV u' & crap like that & i was still just sayin k, cuz if he wants me 2 not voice my opinions & thoughts then fine bitch maybe i wont, & he was being all 'oh I luV U aSh' & shit like that for a whole ass paragraph like the cringy dumbfuck he is, & i was like "k", & he got pissy abt that too like "oH i pOur mY heArt oUt & ThAts aLl i GeT??" & its like oh so when u open up i should accept & b sweet abt it but if i open up im ridiculed? so i was like "fine, if u dont want my responses then i wont give em. bye" & he was begging me 2 stay & shit cuz hes a pathetic fuckin loser, & now im piiiiiissed.

none of this would've happened if h0m1c1d4l ideation was normalized. its doesnt make us "bad ppl", we just struggle w/ mental health & intense irritability. its not our fault we're like this, we dont want 2 b like this, we dont deserve to be ridiculed & feared just cuz we're struggle w/ violent or h0m1c1d4l thoughts

[stupid-lil-poetries]

i need to chase someone I love desperately through the woods on all fours with intention to kill,

4 ✨enrichment✨ of course

[straypurrgatory]

"I'm like everyone else?!? After everything I'm doing for you??" Legit after I said, "you're like everyone else" when he was getting sick of me complaining about my SH problem that I have had longer than we were together and am severely insecure about.

And no, you offered me to live with you since we were together, that's the bare fucking minimum of what you could have given me, and love me??? Am I wrong?? Just because you were 'saving me' from my abusive homelife in the future doesn't make mean you can use it against me to justify your unsensitivity either.

I thought I was in the wrong, cause I considered that charitable work- along with not acknowledging any of his faults because of that reason after, and it's taking people to hate on a ship (Stolitz) and people pointing out its issues to realize how I've been in those situations before-

Even the time I fully admitted that to him I would let him get away with how he made me feel with little to no consequences and suffered in silence, he turned it into, "You were using me for SH??? I'm hurt 😟😟😟" as if I was doing it to hurt HIM, or any ill intent.

I would be hurt too but not because not for the reason he gave, but because I wouldn't want anybody to suffer in silence, especially anything that I've done wrong in my behalf, but he didn't even acknowledge this. He was just focused on how he felt about it. I would be HEARTBROKEN.

This was so long ago but now that I think about it, that was fucked up; I had to APOLOGIZE for hurting MYSELF because it hurt HIS feelings.

By his document saying he felt like my therapist, when realistically I bothered him about my mental only when I was at my LOWEST, also shows that during that time he was getting sick of me.

Even in the beginning of the relationship, he would ask for constant reassurance, which I always gave lovingly, but when I kept asking for it- he pushed it to the side and said he couldn't due to his mental. I've respected that the entirety of our relationship, never thinking twice about it, but when I DID IT- I just 'don't want to deal with it' when at the time I was venting to him I was under constant stress due to personal reasons!

I felt annoying, and childish for having any of these problems- mainly due to my folks and my one abusive ex hallucinations- that I turned to someone who has betrayed me before-

it's gone to the point where I felt so silenced that I went to vent to my BROTHER.

Yes, I became more of a handful since last year, but because I can't handle anything anymore. I've became so seriously overwhelmed with life that my mind snapped. I've grown mentally paralyzed by my depression and self-hatred- Something HE went through, and I dated him when he was at his lowest, yet I gave him the patience and care he needed to recover, even if it was only for a period of time- WHERE WAS MY TURN?? HUH??

The fact I have been trying to talk about my past abusive ex since our first year and took till the begging of the second for it to be BARELY HEARD AT ALL IS INSANE.

I already confronted him about this, he apologized- I forgave him, so I don't hold it against him anymore, UNLIKE WHAT HE DID. He used it now as a "Woe is me, I became your therapist now" when all I ever wanted was for him to just give a listening ear and comfort me, he didn't need to revolve the world around me and solve all my problems. I only ever asked for advice when I needed it, I'm usually very direct about that!

ALL THE THINGS HE CONFRONTED ME ABOUT WAS RATHER SOMETHING WE ALREADY DISCUSSED ABOUT AND I APOLOGIZED ABOVE AND BEYOND IN WHICH HE FORGAVE ME FOR OR AN ACTUAL HONEST MISTAKE FOR EVER TRUSTING HIM HE WOULDN'T USE IT AGAINST ME LIKE MY HOMICIDAL IDEATION AND MY SLIP UPS WITH PRONOUNS.

You're terrified because I was being vulnerable and admitting to you what exactly I struggle with mentally?

You said I'm just a man with mental illness and not a monster, but the second I display the symptoms that's not sui ideation or silent depression, I become a villian? Suddenly, you're scared? When have I ever intentionally hurt you? When have I ever been malicious? All I ever did was explode from the world around me and respond emotionally because of it--

I've never given you a reason to hate me so much.

I even warned you that my mental was fucked up, that I felt I was going to get worse, that I was to hurt people! You had every chance you got to man up to tell me the truth of how I made you felt and my mistakes, but you gave me a false sense of security instead, so of course I didn't learn from them! Was it all to your gain? To shut me up?

You lied, you lied so much to me. I feel swindled. I don't even know what the truth is anymore.

[2u1c1d4l]

normalize h0m1c1d4l & vi0lent thoughts!!

[sharp-silver4795]

Is it bad that I HC Liu as a hypersexual dumbass?

Like- him and Jane both.

Jane is just cuz…. Idk I feel like girls would just be like: “Mommy, sorry- mommy? Sorry- mommy? Sorry…”

But Liu just got around because he could. Part of me is just chalking it up to ✨trauma✨

He just said: “if my experience is gonna be taken from me I’m gonna make up for all of that NOW!”

That is, before he settles down with Jack.

[toranesu]

meant to reply directly through this ask but accidentally posted the draft.. had to screenshot and paste, but oh well. sorry for getting back to you so late, nonnie. ᝰ.ᐟ [P.S] Forgive me if I'm rusty. It's been a while.

⌗ sub bottom. sukuna x dom top m. reader

cw. established relationship, degradation, use of the word "whore," reader has a penis, reader is down bad and under for sukuna, one singular spank.

it was supposed to be punishing — rough and unforgiving. sukuna had fucked up; flaunting about the homicide he's committed, discarding his own butlers and companions, leaving only one: uraume. and for what, why? he always refused to elaborate.

"what the hell are you mad about this time?" he pulled a face; half a scowl and half a smirk, an ugly expression only the king of curses could pull. you grimaced, the question only ticking you off further. "fuck off," you grunted, hands pinning his wrists above his head.

sukuna had already been sprawled on the bed to begin with, as if he were riling you up on purpose. "fuck me," he licked his upper lip, flashing his fangs at you. "or are you too much of a wimp for that?"

you've known sukuna for enough time at this point. and yet, there are so many things — too many things he kept from you. it was fine during the earlier years of your time together. but now, after so many years and so much effort you've put into relation with this man, this curse, you call your one. it was starting to get infuriating.

"what's the point of us being together if you're not going to be honest and real with me?" you cursed under your breath, hips jerking against sukuna's own. he's lost count of how long you've been buried deep inside him. not because of how long it's been, no. but simply because facing you without that kind, forgiving exterior he fell in love with felt like an agonizing eternity.

sukuna was used to pain. he was used to being treated roughly — with no pardon, no remission, and no purgation. he is the almighty king of curses, after all. guilty at charge of the murderings of thousands. antagonism was his nature. repugnance was the pulse he lived on.

that's what he had always thought until he met you.

you were an unfortunate soul sukuna found in the midst of his wanderings. faced with him, you had never once quivered in fear. you were willing; kind, funny, mindful, solicitous, benevolent — a truly good-natured being opposite to him in ways he couldn't seem to put into words or even thought. you were nothing like him.

"wait," sukuna rasped in between thrusts. his nails dug further into the skin of your shoulders, enhancing the previously imprinted crescent marks on your skin. "i– i don't like this," he called out your name, attempting to reach out and land a kiss on your lips.

woefully, to no avail. "i don't like you killing your butlers and keeping things from me, either," you hissed through frivolous breaths, eluding from his attempts for affection and proceeding to pound with no target in mind.

"but here we are, yeah, 'kuna?" you gritted your teeth. sukuna let out a noise alike to a whimper, his walls clenching around you in protest. "you piss me off," he bit his lower lip, legs twitching as you manhandled his body into doggy-style.

you've done this sort of play before. casual bantering was common between the two of you. rough sex; bdsm, spanking, choking, degradation, and all those things. but this time, it felt different. the tone of your voice felt distant and ruthless. the affection he's always longed for since the moment he received it left no trace in the way you spoke, and it felt like shit.

"go on, tell me why the fuck you beheaded john?" you snapped your cock inside him, fingertips digging into the mounds of his flesh. john was one of the servants he had murdered earlier that afternoon — a topic he snickered about with uraume said evening. "you know i told you to be done with worthless homicide," you lifted your hand, striking your palm onto his ass in an abhorrent manner.

his hips jerked in response. "shut— shut the fuck up," sukuna managed to gasp between moans, hips stuttering against your own as he tried to deny the overwhelming feelings he had circling in his system. "it's nun' of your business," he bites back just before your tip hit straight onto his prostate.

sukuna's head fell back, mouth agape without sound as his cock spurted worthless heeps of cum. "but uraume deserves to know?" you rolled your hips directly against his prostate, uncaring of the stimulation he's going through. he hiccuped, and your palm went straight to cup his mouth. "fuckin' whore," you grated out.

he doesn't know if he should cum again from how sexy your voice is or if he should get angry for what you said about uraume. right now, he's just trying to get off his high.

sukuna heaved out, attempting to control his breathing whilst his ass rolled against your cock once more. "i wish i was theirs," he retorted through a forced smirk. that's right, if you were gonna play at this game, then he might as well join in on the fun.

big mistake.

you wasted no time to slide your palm to the back of his head, tangling your fingers against the strands of his hair just to shove his face down onto the pillow before him.

"whore," you cursed, hips thrusting mercilessly against his sore ones. sukuna's hand reached out to grab ahold of yours on his hip, muffled groans resembling words aiming for rebuttal.

you hadn't even realized when the night of passion you had planned turned much more personal on your end.

sukuna grasped for air as soon as you let go of his hair, arms scrambling to support his body as your thrusts resumed torturously. he reached one hand to find yours, head looking back to meet your gaze. normally, even in doggy-style, you'd still be all over him — fingers lacing with his own on the mattress, kisses laid upon his back and shoulders.

now, it's all sex.

he's not sure if he likes it. but the tears in his eyes betray any sort of ground you had in the first place. "ryomen," you gasped out his name as soon as you caught a glimpse of the fat glands of tears rolling down his cheek.

"why are you the one crying?" you questioned through a slight scoff, easing your thrusts as you slowly handled him to lay on his back. they say a man's true weakness is the tears of his loved one. and man, is you.

the staggering of your hips came to a halt, palms reaching up to wipe his tears away with your thumbs. "was it something i said?" your voice faltered, the facade of your anger slowly losing its filter. "too rough? too much?"

sukuna shook his head, hand reaching to clasp the one on his cheek. "no," he breathed out. fuck, a curse rang through his head. this was the version of you he was used to. "just wanted you to kiss me," he almost clawed himself for sounding so pathetic.

your gaze of worry soon wavered. "fuck this shit," you exhaled, averting your sight before glancing back at him. "i really thought i lost control," your voice came out almost barely a whisper. despite his exterior, sukuna lets out a few tears often during intimacy. this time, it caught you off-guard, though.

"fuck you," sukuna uttered hoarsely, leaning against your palm. "you didn't kiss me. not even once," he rocked his hips against yours suggestively, steadying his breath whilst his fingers laced with your own.

your face fell flat, expression dull before you rolled your eyes. "will you stop killing your servants?" you asked.

his expression hardened, gaze flickering before returning back to you. "will you stop getting all touchy and flirty with them?" sukuna clenched his jaw.

oh. that was it the whole time?

you opened your mouth to deny that accusation — but seeing that look on his face; teary eyed with his lips pursed. fuck, he was acting way out of character right now. "i'm not even gonna argue with you," you sighed, leaning down to place a your lips on his forehead.

his hole spasmed with joy simultaneously with his sneer.

"'kay, now fuck me again," sukuna tightened his legs around your waist along as his arms draped around your shoulders — an order which you could only oblige.

[pythonmoth]

cw: suicidal and homicidal thoughts. johnny is jealous and inconsistent. brief infantilization by tf141. reader is angry and pissed. author is projecting their own likes, sorry. pretty chill update. johnny is a simp loser.

× framed traitor f!reader x lt ghost. poly tf141.

Part 11

He wants the world to eat him alive, to swallow him and to forever keep him down underground so he never makes a single mistake in front of you ever again. To see you running away in panic because of him is something he will probably never recover from. He barely has the time to grimace when he hears you rushing away, someone right behind you; he just assumes it's Simon.

Johnny decides to just take a moment to clean up before going after you as well, when he hears someone getting into the kitchen. He looks up, expecting the Capt'n to be here to scold him, but when he sees Simon instead, he raises an eyebrow.

"Ah, it's you. I tripped" Johnny grumbles, rubbing the back of his neck.

"You hurt yourself".

"Just a tiny cut, 's nothing. Where did she go?" Johnny questions, bringing his thumb to his mouth, licking the drop of blood clean.

"I don't know. Practically bolted when you dropped the plate".

Johnny stares at him with slowly growing irritation. "And what are you doing here? I must've scared her" he sighs, standing up. "Where to?"

"Garrick already went after her".

"So?"

"They're getting along. A lot".

Johnny blinks again.

Smack.

"What the fuck? What was that for now?" Simon growls out, rubbing his head. Johnny shakes his head, still expecting an answer. Simon sighs. "Over there. Come on".

Simon guides him, their feet barely making any noise, used to being quiet and, also, because they don't want to spook you any longer. When Johnny sees, however, you're… being taken care of, he curses quietly. Gaz is cupping your cheeks, kissing you. And he feels like he just died inside a little bit.

When the Lieutenant doesn't move, seemingly not breathing, he grips his arm, whispering to him to move. They can't just invade your privacy like this, especially not when it's clear they aren't needed.

At least, Johnny knows so now.

He can't manage to take Simon with him so he walks away alone, his eye twitching in annoyance. Really, he doesn't mind you're with Gaz; they all know what's happening between the whole team, and it's not a secret they've very little boundaries. It was gonna happen one way or another, so that's really not the problem. Sure, he's pissed and a little jealous, but the problem is that he is not there.

He can't hold you in his arms and protect you from the panic if he's the reason for it, if Simon is the reason for it. He's aware of that, he's just fucking pissed. Pissed at himself, pissed at the Capt'n, pissed at the bastard who framed you and fucking pissed at the higher ups. If he could, if he's given a single opportunity, he won't hesitate to grab his rifle and smack them with the heel so hard that their noses cave in so he can watch them choke in their own blood.

For now, though, he goes sit in the living room, watching as the Capt'n snores, the movie still rolling in the back, his mind a goddamn mess. He can't stop his mind from going back to you crying in Gaz arms and him kissing you like that. Again, he's jealous for so many reasons. It's just… odd.

You've never been interested in Gaz, as far as he knows, and Simon looked so surprised that it's obvious you didn't tell him anything either. You're supposed to talk about those things! He can't blame you, he obviously understands why this connection is happening right now, but—

He barely registers Simon's grabbing his shoulder and pushing him out of your house until he's inside of the car, his mind locking away his own fear of scaring you now that he's out of your space, and allows himself to be pissed at the whole situation with Gaz.

Hell, if you talked to Simon about him, why couldn't you do the same thing with them?

Simon drives them away, clearly needing a moment. Johnny's hand is shaking over his knee, and only when Simon stops the car in a random parking lot, does he say anything.

"I'm gonna kill him" he says, not really meaning it. He does want to punch him, though.

"No, you won't".

"So what? We say nothing? We can't even fucking look at her and she's—"

"That's none of our business now" Simon snaps, getting out of the car. Johnny follows right away, both of the doors snapping shut harshly enough to echo in the parking lot.

"You can't possibly be okay with that" Johnny groans, tugging on his hair as he starts pacing next to the car. "Fuck that!"

Simon sighs, lifting his mask just enough to rub on his face. "Like hell I am, Johnny. We don't have the face to call them out on it. We've no right to be jealous".

"And why the hell not? She's ours, not his. Like hell I'm sitting here doing nothing".

That makes Simon's eye twitch, but he fights hard to ignore it. "She's not, Johnny" he reminds him, crossing his arms. "Not anymore. She was clear about it".

His heart pounding in his chest, denial burning deep in his core, Johnny marches up in front of Simon with a snarl, gripping the Lieutenant’s collar. "We made a huge mistake, aye. But I thought we were okay now. We've been talking, she's been great. Why she suddenly freaked out is what I just can't understand".

He remembers, just like Simon, falling asleep to your breathing, to your snoring, to your shuffling in the bed. Even if it was through the phone, it had meant something. Why is it that now—

Simon smacks his hand away. "Stop that. Maybe it was easier on the phone. You saw how she reacted when you dropped the plate".

"Ah. So it's my fault then? It started ever since she saw your fucking mask" Johnny snaps. Immediately, he regrets it. He knows it's not fair. Not fair on him, not fair on Simon and definitely not fair on you. It's like he just can't think about what he's saying.

"Calm the fuck down, Johnny. It's our fault she's like that. We've enough shame and guilt to share so don't come and dump it all on me" Simon states, firm. His tone might shake a little, and Johnny wants to cry, but his mind is spinning with so much guilt that he can't focus. "We went through this with Price. We knew it'd take time".

"Aye! I know that! But why him? And why are you so awfully calm about this?" Johnny snaps at him, gripping his collar again. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think you're giving up on it. On us".

Simon's shoulders slump, looking at him in a terrible, heavy silence. There's no need for words. Simon doesn't stop him as Johnny grips his tshirt and pins him against the car, looking like he's only bracing himself for an angry punch or a beat up.

"You can't be serious" Johnny snaps again, his hands shaking where he's holding Simon, his own eyes burning with unshed tears, his throat closing up. "Where does that leave us?"

"That leaves us wherever she wants us to be" Simon mumbles, a hand coming up to rest on his nape, gripping him tight, seemingly uncaring of how aggressive Johnny feels. "You get that, don't you? We hurt her, Johnny. We're lucky she wants to talk to us at all".

That does it for him.

Unable to control it, he lets the regret, the pain, and his heartbreak take over, and finally bursts into tears, head falling against Simon's chest as his body breaks, sobbing. He knows he's being unfair, he knows he should be just wanting you to be happy and to enjoy yourself, even if it isn't with them. He knows. He's just… so hurt. He feels like he's being thrown away like an unfitting piece in the puzzle you're slowly building again, along with Simon. He's scared they won't be accepted back, afraid they’ll no longer be necessary in your life.

He doesn't want to be the only one, at all, he just wants to be there for you, too.

A while later, his body finally goes slack after crying so much, and Johnny wipes his face clean, looking up at Simon. Wordlessly, the Lieutenant presses a comforting, deep kiss to his lips before he slips his mask on again, sighing. "Well. Let's take a little drive before going back".

"This fucking sucks" Johnny mumbles, absolutely defeated. He can't keep on denying the situation, and he just… has to accept that this is what it is.

"Very much so".

"I still wanna punch him".

"I know".

Johnny hesitates, but he doesn't hold it back. "I'm also kinda jealous".

"I know" Simon grumbles quietly, his eye twitching behind the mask. Johnny can truly understand the feeling.

"We should drive off a cliff and die".

"Noted".

In the end, they just sit inside of the car for a while, both of them silently going through the whole situation. Johnny's mind is silent for once, as if he had needed a good sobbing session to ease himself into no longer denying the consequences.

The drive back to your home is quiet, but it feels... peaceful. Johnny's shoulders are relaxed, even if he feels himself snarling slightly as he thinks of Gaz. It's just great, but… he's got no right to question you.

So when they're back, Gaz’ lips split in a bright grin as you place gummy bears all over Price's face, they both can't help but smile at them, hearts full.

You seem happy.

You look up at them, your eyes wide. This time, however, you're not afraid. You raise a hand and motion them to be quiet and come over, Gaz handing them the whipped cream.

This is enough, Johnny thinks. He gets to see you smile, enjoy yourself, even if he isn't allowed to be there with you like Gaz is.

Deep down, he can't be upset.

After the Capt'n uses you as his personal napkin for being a brat, your high pitched screeches of delight making his heart pound, you invite them to sleep over. And you're really serious about it. He doesn't even mind it when you hand them those stupid pink pajamas you bought them for your 5th anniversary with the team; they “forgot” about them every time they came over, so they've never truly left your house. Now, however, Johnny will personally skin alive anyone who dares denying you this little thing. Fortunately, they just sigh and change.

Blankets over the carpet, over the couch, bodies a lot closer than before, the pink of the pajamas actually look pretty good when illuminated only by the movie. Johnny doesn't even know why you chose them. They're… ponies. One has wings. Why do they have such crazy blowouts and why does the rainbow one look like a lesbian?

Of course, they want you to feel comfortable, so when it comes down to choosing the movie, they all turn to you, but Johnny isn't sure he likes that grin.

Sure enough, more ponies.

“That's a mustang, and he's a great horse so mind your manners” you scold him when he complains, handing him the popcorn. He wouldn't mind watching ten hours of paint drying if you're willing to talk to him, even if it's to call him an idiot.

As the movie slowly comes to the end, Johnny sees the Capt'n wiping his tears in silence, even Simon's eyes are a little shiny, and cheeky, annoying-as-hell Gaz? He's sobbing, muffling his mouth with a hand. You're no better, your bottom lip trembling as fat tears stream down your cheeks.

“It's just a movie” Johnny sighs, crossing his arms.

The rest do not hold back their retorts at all, calling him hypocritical and heartless. Even Simon doesn't back him up, pointing at his face.

“We can see the tear streaks. You ain't fooling anybody”.

“It's the allergies!” Johnny yells over their loud voices, shamelessly reaching up to wipe his face.

That gets a loud laugh from you, and that's enough for him. Johnny doesn't mind being the target of their teasing, as long as you're part of it.

As they slowly settle down, munching on crisps and some baking goods you made a few days ago, the Capt'n asks what everyone's been dreading to mention. The Question.

Johnny almost throws a pillow his way, but he swallows thickly and discreetly places a hand over Simon's tense thigh, all of them waiting.

“Will you be changing teams?” the Capt'n questions, his shoulders forcefully relaxed, his mouth stuffed with a creamy tart. Johnny can see how hard he's trying to be calm, not wanting to force an answer out of you. “I can… well, recommend a few other teams. Or I can show you a few options, I just need a few days to go over the files”.

You wave a dismissive hand, shaking your head. Everyone's heads whip in your direction, eyes widening slightly in surprise. “Listen, I know… I know what I said, but I already know how we all work, and I'm already comfortable with you. Starting over, with the weight of the reason why I would be changing teams… I don't want that”.

“What did your therapist say?” Simon asks directly, his eyes firm on yours. “Did you discuss it with them?”

“I did. She advised me against it, but… I think I can handle it. Maybe it's gonna take a little while, but—”

“What if it's too much? Trust is very important, and we… we can't blame you for not trusting us. Look, maybe you should reconsider it” Johnny interrupts you, his chest tight. He doesn't want you to leave, but if you get hurt because you can't trust them and accidentally do something to put you in danger… he'd rather avoid that. “It's an important decision”.

“I understand that” you insist, your left eye twitching a little. “I'm aware it could be difficult if I panic again. That's why I'm in therapy, after all, so I can–”

“Therapy can only help so much, anyway. We can train together, and then see if you're feeling up for it. If not, I can always check the files” the Capt'n interrupts you, mostly talking to himself, his lips pursed in thought.

“Besides, the higher ups probably won't want anybody talking about this. Maybe they won't even let you change teams at all” Gaz adds, rubbing his cheek.

“That's why I'm trying to–”

“If they don't let her change teams, we could always call them out on their bullshit” Simon huffs, crossing his arms, now focused on the rest of the men. “What are they gonna do? Kill us, send us away? People will talk”.

“Aye. We can always do it ourselves after all”.

"Good idea. We could—"

“Enough!” you snap, making them all turn to you at your outburst. "I've been with you idiots for nine years! Do you seriously want me to leave?”

“No!” Johnny shrieks, alarmed. The rest shake their heads, Simon's hand halfway to rest on your arm, as if wanting to sooth you, but you pull your arm away.

“Then stop questioning me, goddamn it! I'm not a child, alright?” your voice raises, your eye still twitching. "And I'm not dumb, you big, stupid idiots".

For a moment, everyone's silent.

"You're right" the Capt'n says first, his cheeks a little bright for being yelled at. He's probably not used to that, not by those who aren't his superiors. Right now, he's not just the Capt'n, but also John, anyway. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to question your decisions, I'm just... worried".

"And I appreciate that" you grunt, rubbing your forehead roughly. "I just... stop trying to make this decision for me".

With your words now deep in their hearts, they all go quiet for a long moment, awkwardly looking anywhere but in your direction.

Johnny is incredibly happy about it.

He knows it's selfish and awful of him to be happy you want to stay with them, but he also knows it will probably be difficult at first, especially when you see them with their uniforms again. He wants to help, to be there.

Eventually, they all fall in a comfortable conversation again, Johnny pressed against the armrest of the couch, you squeezed between him and Simon —much to his surprise and contentment—. Gaz and the Capt'n are bickering over something Johnny doesn't really catch as they sit on the blankets in front of them. He's just so aware of you being next to him, willingly, that nothing else matters for now.

At some point, he sees you yawning.

It doesn't take long for you to excuse yourself, leaving them to get comfortable in the guest room. Johnny decides not to focus on Gaz and you being in this room just a few hours ago. With a little look in Gaz��� direction, you give them your goodnights and walk up the stairs.

They're sharing the bed, since it's easier and better than to sleep on the floor. Still wearing those ridiculous pink pajamas —they are very comfortable, if you ask him—, they set their bags filled with clean clothes on the side and start getting ready to sleep. Of course, that doesn't happen right away.

The Capt'n scrolls down his phone, resting against the headboard, and when Johnny and Simon get lost in their conversation, they both notice Gaz discreetly leaves the room. Simon throws a little look his way, and Johnny can only nod slightly. Reaching out to grab the man's hand, he just keeps on talking, distracting both of them.

Despite looking fully focused on his phone, Johnny can tell the Capt'n is listening and very much alert, because everytime they both complain about anything, and everytime Simon hums instead of giving him a real answer, the Capt'n's lips curl in a very subtle smile.

The door to your room gently creaks open, two dark eyes staring at you. You grin from your bathroom, your face white and soapy as you wash it with your fingertips, foam up to your hairline and down your throat.

“Come on in. I’m almost done” you say, leaning down to rinse your face. With closed eyes, you hear as Gaz’ moves over to your bed, laying down on it with a low groan, his back cracking.

As you go on with your skincare, carefully massaging your skin, Gaz lays there, watching the video that’s playing on your tv, even if you know he doesn’t understand a single word. You take your time, content to just let him hang out with you. His eyes leave the screen when you get closer, opening his arms for you, like all those months back in the clinic.

With a mischievous grin, you drop all your body weight on him with the intention of making him groan, but he only wraps his arms around you and nuzzles into your neck, nearly flipping you onto your back, mumbling something about how nice you smell. Gaz pulls back just enough to cup your cheeks, smelling the watermelon lip balm on your lips, studying how the creams you used just now make your face look shiny. He doesn’t tell you, but your eyebrows are also a little funny looking, brushed in many directions, but Gaz does reach up and uses his thumb to brush them back in place.

With no need for words, he just curls around you, his nose buried deep in your neck as he stretches, an arm comfortably sneaking under the pillow. That’s when he pulls back and raises an eyebrow at you, lifting the pillow under his head.

“What—” he grunts, incredibly amused, as he looks down at the knife that’s not-so-safely hidden.

With a grin, you shift and reach down between the headboard and the mattress, showing him another big knife that’s hidden there. You aren’t allowed guns until the psychologist says it is okay, so knives it is. Gaz only rolls his eyes and wraps his arm around you again. “Fair, I suppose” he mumbles, burying himself in your neck again.

You just let him, caressing his arms and enjoying the closeness until he falls asleep. He looks peaceful and content, and you really, really want to sleep next to him, but your mind is working a little too much, so you slowly get up the bed, quietly walking around the room, hoping it will tire you again.

It’s something that often happens to you. You’re tired and sleepy, until you’re in bed and then you can’t sleep for hours and hours on end.

You stare at the paintings you’ve gotten, the ones you painted yourself. Looking a little to the left, you can see the music albums you got when you were in your early twenties, now mostly a good memory, and something nice to listen to when you’re feeling low. As you get closer to your bookshelf, you pick a random book, vaguely remembering how many times you’ve read it in the past.

Lost in thoughts you can’t even begin to understand and organize, you turn to the guitar in the corner of the room. It’s been there for over ten years, and you never learned how to play it. With a soft huff of amusement, you walk over to your desk, looking down at the pictures you have there. Your parents, your siblings, the team, and the girls… you didn’t even say goodbye. You hope they aren’t so mad they weren’t invited today. You make a mental note to contact them after the guys leave.

Besides, Simon, Johnny and Gaz aren’t your friends. Not really, at least. And Price is basically like your dad when you’re around him, even if he’s fun to talk to, and reliable.

You reach out to take one of the pictures in your hands. A simple black frame, Johnny and Simon on either side of you, all of you wearing your uniforms, Simon’s mask in place. The sight of the mask makes your eye twitch, but it’s nothing too bad.

Setting the frame down, your thoughts become a little more overwhelming, memories of the whole team chatting by the mess hall, munching down on stale bread and days-old tea that made Simon scowl. You grin as you remember Johnny sprinting after you when you took his clothes from the showers a couple years ago, giving the soldiers a whole show by running entirely naked, only to slip and end face first against a wall. He had thrown you into the showers with your uniform, messing with your already rusty hair. Really, you had it coming. You couldn’t even be mad.

Your shoulders slumping, you turn to Gaz.

Your feelings for him have been changing for a while now. The first kiss was innocent, calm, and now, you couldn’t lie to yourself. It isn’t in your plans to deny yourself a true connection, but you had been a little hesitant, because of Johnny, because of… Simon.

You miss him. Dearly. Sometimes it feels like your heart can’t take it, like you’re dying every time you aren’t in his arms, but the panic hasn’t left. The fear is small, less… destructive and loud, but still there, regardless. You’re aware they will never hurt you again, not like that, not after everything, not with the knowledge that they were manipulated once. You know they will forever doubt the higher ups, even Price. That doesn’t mean your fear is irrational.

That doesn’t mean it makes them less guilty.

For months, you’ve wished it’s all over. It wasn’t entirely difficult for you to understand and, in your heart, you’ve already forgiven them, but… forget? That will never be possible, and you’re aware. Perhaps hugging Simon will never feel the same, but you also haven’t given yourself the time to savour it again.

Lost in thought, who knows for how long, you accidentally hit the chair with your toes, hissing loud enough that it startles Gaz awake. He sits up in alarm, but when he realizes you’re physically okay, he stretches and calmly walks over to you, smiling when you give him an apologetic smile.

“I’m sorry I woke you up” you hum quietly, placing your hands on his shoulders when he wraps his arms around your waist.

“Hm, ‘s alright. Shouldn’t have fallen asleep. I’ll get going” he mumbles, pressing a soft kiss to your lips. It makes your heart tremble with contentment.

After he leaves, the exhaustion hits you like a truck, as if your mind was no longer in alert. You barely manage to turn the lights off, before you curl into your bed, body melting into your bedsheets, Gaz’ scent all over the pillow.

Just a little while after Gaz comes back, Simon turns onto his side, his back using his arm as support, and starts snoring pretty quickly.

Johnny always teases him about it. He falls asleep like a dad. He’s out not even two minutes in.

He wasn’t sleepy yet, and fortunately Gaz wasn’t either. They talk in low mumbles so they don’t wake Simon nor the Capt’n up.

Gaz is still pretty flustered because he was called out on dating the Capt’n, but Johnny doesn’t understand why. Did he really think nobody knew? Everyone with eyes —and, much unfortunate, good hearing—, could tell.

“She was in a pretty bad shape” Gaz mumbles quietly, his breath brushing over Johnny’s lips. “I think she snapped out of the panic because I hugged her. Dunno, maybe compression helps?”

Johnny makes a mental note to get you a weighted blanket. He would take his phone out to do it right now, but Gaz is still talking, and doesn’t want to interrupt.

“I kinda fell asleep on her bed, so we didn’t really talk” Gaz admits, scrunching his nose up. Johnny’s eyes are immediately fixed on the movement. “But she looked a little better”.

“I’m happy she can rely on you, Gaz. You can actually help right now, and she… she needs that” Johnny hums lowly, his lips pursing slightly as his eyes burn. He’s too embarrassed to reach up to wipe the single tear away, but Gaz beats him to it.

“C’mere” he huffs.

A little surprised, but fully willing, Johnny accepts the hug. He holds Gaz’ head against his chest, both of them groaning quietly at the instant warmth between them. Johnny is hyper aware of Gaz’ heartbeat against his own, but they remain in silence, comforting each other. It’s not the first time they’ve cuddled to sleep, but… to Johnny, it feels different. He can only hope it isn’t in his mind only.

Next to Gaz’, Price’s shoulders relax very subtly, lips curling up as he also lets himself fall asleep.

The next morning, Johnny wakes up earlier than everyone else, feeling energized and content. Who knew he actually needed a good cuddling session with Gaz to fix his problems.

Wearing only those pink pajama pants, he makes his way to the kitchen, carrying one of his backpacks to take his headphones out, not wanting to disturb anybody. As silently as possible, he brews coffee and some tea, washing his hands as he starts preparing a few ingredients to cook breakfast. Head in the fridge, music echoing in his brain, he has no idea someone is sneaking up behind him.

He jumps off his skin when he feels a cold hand on his bare back. Johnny hisses as he hits his head with the fridge, rubbing it as he straightens up, turning so he can snarl at whoever startled him.

All he sees is a messy head, pillow-marked cheeks, and a bright smile. Your eyes are twinkling as you look up at him.

Johnny forgets it all about being embarrassed.

You join him so easily, stealing some of the coffee as you help him cook. It is your kitchen, after all. He lets you take his headphones, watching as you shake your shoulders to his music, his eyes filled with hope as he tries not to end up cutting his finger off because he can’t stop staring. It’s more than enough for him to see you humming the song very quietly, sipping your coffee.

It’s domestic. Warm. It feels like he’s finally home. He doesn’t even care if you haven’t really said a word, because the way you trust your back to him tells him enough.

At some point, he catches Gaz getting out of the guest room, his eyes still very misty with sleep. You’re facing somewhere else so you don’t see him, but Gaz realizes it’s just the two of you and grins at Johnny, quietly shuffling back into the room, leaving them alone. He’s very thankful for that, because right away, you turn to him, taking your headphones off.

“It’s done. Let’s eat!”

Much to his contentment, you two end up having breakfast alone, even if it’s obvious to him the rest are already awake and starving, but he enjoys this little moment, your soft voice and your happy humming as you eat. Johnny tries not to be too creepy by staring at you so intently, but he loves the way you sip on the coffee he made, the way you munch on the salted veggies he made for you.

The door of the guest room quietly opens after half an hour, maybe, and Simon’s face stares at him from behind it. Johnny gives him a grin.

Not even twenty seconds later, they’re all filling your kitchen.

It’s so perfectly domestic that Johnny can only grin. He watches you talking to Gaz and the Capt'n while Simon is a little busy cooking for the rest. Sometimes you flinch when Simon moves a little too fast, but you relax almost instantly, even if your eyes follow his hands for a few seconds.

This is his family, he realizes —not for the first time—.

Maybe it’s a little complicated, but it is his.

And that's enough.

-ˋˏ✄——————————————————

Masterlist | Part 12

Buy me a coffee

I had a lot of fun writing this and I'm glad bc it took me like eight days to finish the outline. it's been a tough week, you guys.

ANYWAY, so progress 😌 why did they have bags w clean clothes if they didn't know reader would invite them over? they were hopeful. little soap went skipping to the car to grab the bags btw

we've officially reached this part... I cannot add more people to the taglist in a single post. man, I love you guys sm ♡

taglist: @euphoricn @lilg101010 @enfppuff @carolchaotic @silas-fanfic-favs @nina-from-317 @an-ever-angry-bi @kittygonap @adventurerabby @defronix @sheepispink @iambuttwodaysold @blackhawkfanatic @malevolentghoul @thriving-n-jiving @literallegendicon @echo9821 @angel-bugz @ssc7514 @clickbait-official @hades--baby @blackhawkfanatic @sirbonesly @saki---chan @skeletonsucker @nnsissys @kukavittu @tessakate @honestlymassivetrash @s-a-v-a-n-a-34 @rayrayyio @diseasedclitoris @alex1011sdzfgh @thebumbqueen @hyunjaebaby @jillvalentinesrealwife @sodavrr @kneelforloki @vioxsoo @l4vstrr @leon-thot-kennedy @t3a-bag @dotmistbird @littlezarp @eclipsedcherry @codeseven @babydoll-143 @viennakarma @exitingmusic @lockofspades

[thediaryofaurora]

𖦹Kinktober Lineup𖦹

CW: NSFW, f!reader

A/N: I’ve never done Kinktober before, but in honor of my account’s first October I thought it would be a nice treat. At the bottom of this post is an end of Kinktober poll, if you’d like to cast your vote please do!

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Week 1

Day 1 - Bondage / knife play - Jeff the Killer

Day 2 - Virginity loss / gentle fucking - Homicidal Liu

Day 3 - Car sex / stranded - Ticci Toby

Day 4 - Sex tape / double penetration - Tim Wright & Brian Thomas

Day 5 - Dry humping / hot boxing - BEN drowned

Day 6 - Breeding / monster fucking - Eyeless Jack

Day 7 - Pillow princess / praise - Bloody Painter

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Week 2

Day 8 - Sneaking out / rebelling - Ticci Toby

Day 9 - Face sitting / scissoring - Clockwork

Day 10 - Sensory deprivation - Jane the Killer

Day 11 - Cockwarming / Public sex - Jeff the Killer

Day 12 - Secret admirer / voyeurism - Hoodie

Day 13 - Pool party / mutual masturbation - Nina the Killer

Day 14 - Corruption / mentor - Masky

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Week 3

Day 15 - Shower sex / handjob - Homicidal Liu

Day 16 - Controlled vibrator / public - BEN drowned

Day 17 - Seven minutes in heaven - Kate the Chaser

Day 18 - Medical play / marking - Eyeless Jack

Day 19 - Hate sex / rough - Jeff the Killer

Day 20 - Stress relief / assistant - X Virus

Day 21 - Party / roof sex - Bloody Painter

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Week 4

Day 22 - Threesome / setup - Ticci Toby & Jeff the Killer

Day 23 - Sleepover / experimenting - Nina the Killer

Day 24 - Overstimulation / toy use - Brian Thomas

Day 25 - Orgasm denial / gentle praise - Jane the Killer

Day 26 - Rebound / 69 - Clockwork

Day 27 - Sneaking in / forbidden love - Kate the Chaser

Day 28 - Tentacles / choking - Slenderman

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Week 5

For the finale (Oct. 29 - Oct. 31) I will be posting a miniseries rather than the usual one shots! The poll below determines what the mini series will be about/ who it will be with. The results will be in after a week!

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